It's no secret that communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When it comes to the bedroom, many of us struggle to express our needs and desires. We may feel embarrassed or unsure of how to broach topics relative to sex and worry that our partner will not be receptive and may judge us.
When we're able to communicate openly and honestly about our sexual desires and preferences, we can deepen our intimacy and create more satisfying and fulfilling sexual experiences.
In this article we'll explore five communication strategies that can help enhance sex with your partner(s). Whether you're in a long-term relationship or just starting to explore your sexual interests, these tips can help you foster greater intimacy and connection.
1. Set the Stage for Open Communication
Before you can begin to have open and honest conversations about your sexual needs and desires, it's important to create a safe and non-judgmental space for discussion. Here are a few tips to help set the stage:
Create a Safe Space for Discussion
In order to have honest and open conversations about sexual desires, it's crucial that both partners feel safe and comfortable. This means creating an environment free of judgment, shame, and criticism. Make sure your partner knows that you're open to hearing their thoughts and feelings; and that they won't be judged or criticized for expressing them.
If this is a scary space for you, try moving out of your comfort zone by using humor, euphemisms, slang words, and “dirty talk” to communicate. Take it slow and build up, the more comfortable you become the more you can increase your sexy, sex-forward vocabulary and allow the experience to unfold.
Encourage Active Listening and Empathetic Understanding
Encourage your partner by letting them know you enjoy this kind of communication and that it turns you on! Practice active listening. This is a key component of effective communication. It involves focusing your attention on your partner's words and body language and seeking to understand their perspective without judgment. Encouraging your partner and letting them know you are enjoying it will go a long way to keeping everyone at ease. The more comfortable you are in the experience the more open, honest, vulnerable, and free you can be.
Use "I" Statements to Express Your Own Desires and Needs
When discussing sexual desires and needs, it's important to use "I" instead of "You" statements. "I" statements are less likely to come across as accusatory or critical, and they help express your own feelings and needs without making assumptions about your partner's words. For example, instead of saying "You never do what I want in bed," try saying, "I love it when we try new things, it really turns me on when you touch me while my eyes are closed and I don’t know where your hands and kisses will go next”.
2. Share Your Fantasies and Desires
One of the most exciting parts of any sexual relationship is exploring each other's fantasies and desires. While exciting, it can be challenging to bring up these topics, especially if you're worried about being judged.
If sharing face-to-face is not yet for you then build up courage using your phone to communicate. Start by texting then continue by adding it into a conversation still keeping the phone between you.
Identify your desires for yourself
The first step in sharing your fantasies and desires is to identify them for yourself. What turns you on? What would you like to try in the bedroom? What do you fantasize about when masterbating?
Try journaling your erotic fantasies and consider how you might like to bring them up with your partner. You never know, there may be an erotic novelist in you.
When you're ready to share, it's important to approach the conversation with openness, honesty and perhaps a little humor to get things going. Try bringing up the conversation on a date night. Talking about your desires is the ultimate aphrodisiac and the perfect way to initiate foreplay while exploring what you both may be up for later.
Be specific and descriptive.
Instead holding back your feelings and building resentment about having boring and unsatisfying sex, try saying ,"A post showed up on my Instagram today about sex positions, check this out, “reverse cowgirl, I would love to try this with you”. This offers an option to show the position, allows your partner to engage, while making it clear that you are open and ready for new positions.
Remember, sharing is a two-way street. Encourage your partner to open up about their desires and interests. If your partner shares something that you're uncomfortable with, be honest and communicate your boundaries in a respectful and compassionate way.
Speaking up about what you want can be very sexy! If you need a little help opening up and want to get things started without being face-to-face, try the oOYes Sex Quiz. It is free, virtual, and easy to use.
When taking the oOYes quiz with your partner, you only see the results for the questions you both answered “oOYes” or “oOMaybeSo” too. For example, if you both say "oOYes" to the possibility of a threesome you have the runway to discuss it openly. If either partner chooses oONo then that is a topic that can wait until you have explored experiences that are within your comfort zone. The key is to open communication and get the stimulating communication going.
3. Give and Receive Feedback
Giving and receiving feedback is an essential part of any healthy sexual relationship. By offering feedback in a constructive and respectful manner, you can help improve the quality of your sexual experiences and deepen connection with your partner.
When giving feedback, it's important to focus on the positive while gently encouraging in areas you'd like to see improvement. Instead of just pointing out what your partner did wrong, try to frame your words in terms of what you'd like to see more of. For example, instead of saying, "You're not satisfying me," try saying "I really enjoyed when you did that thing with your tongue, can we do try more of that?"
Receiving feedback can be challenging, especially if you feel like you're being criticized or judged. It's important to remember that feedback is an opportunity for growth, not necessarily a personal attack. Try to receive feedback with an open mind. If you are pressed for words try a gentle smile or use humor to disarm the situation.
Listening without judgement and being open to new things is a great way to improve your connection and deepen intimacy. Try to make feedback a regular part of your sexual communication, the more you do it the easier it gets. Be open to adjusting and evolving your sexual preferences and desires over time.
You can't beat immediate feedback: “oOYes!!!”
Indulge in the moment! While Meg Ryan’s iconic performance in Harry Met Sally is an excellent example of rewarding good behavior make sure to not send the ultimate pleasure messages before you are truly done.
A loving partner is tuned in and listening for feedback and what you are enjoying. While faking the big “O” can be used as a guide to teach what is working for you or to move things along it should not become a replacement for the real thing. Keep in mind, women are capable of multiple orgasms while men often fall into the “cum and done” category, so it is important to keep your messaging clear.
With practice your partner can learn what pleases you and what makes you cum. In this perfect world, there is no need to fake it. While “faking it until you make it” can be a tool to help move things along, reassure your partner, and create new paths to communicate, it is not a habit you want to fall into.
Try leading up to the ultimate orgasm with progressive feedback. Check out our “Art of Moaning” to learn ways to use non-verbal sounds to help guide your partner to help you achieve orgasm.
4. Explore New Territories
One of the most exciting and rewarding aspects of sexual intimacy is exploring new things in the bedroom. Whether it's trying a new position, experimenting with role-play, or indulging each other's fantasies, there are countless ways to push the boundaries of sex and deepen your connection.
Here are a few tips for exploring new sexual experiences:
Start small: If you are in a rut and not in the habit of trying new things, start small and build your way up. Try navigating a new position or introduce a toy into your sexual play.
Communicate clearly: It's important to communicate clearly with your partner. Decisive, bold talk can be rewarded with getting your sexual needs met.
Be open-minded: Exploring new sexual experiences often requires stepping out of your comfort zone. While this can be scary at first it comes easier with practice. Trust your partner's lead and don't be afraid be bold and lead the way.
Celebrate the successes: Take time to reward and appreciate each other's efforts. This can be a great way to deepen your connection and build a sense of trust and intimacy.
Bringing new sexual experiences into your relationship is a great way to deepen your connection and keep things hot and exciting. This does not always come easy and is best achieved with pushing your boundaries and lot's of practice. Get in the routine of having sex several times a week. The more you do it the more comfortable you will be and the more leeway you can take. By being open-minded, communicative, and prioritizing daily intimacy you can deepen your relationship while getting your sexual desires and needs met.
5. Practice Ongoing Communication
Communication is not a one-time thing. This is especially true when it comes to sexual intimacy. To maintain a deep and satisfying connection with your partner, it's essential to practice ongoing communication about your sexual desires, needs, and boundaries.
Here are a few tips for practicing ongoing communication in your sexual relationship:
Check-in regularly: Talk freely and recap good sexual experiences while checking in on how your partner is feeling and if there's anything they'd like to try differently.
Be responsive: When your partner shares their thoughts with you, it's important to be responsive and attentive. Take their feedback seriously and work together to find solutions that work for both of you.
Share positive feedback: Reward good behavior! It something is working for you let your partner know. This can help build confidence and deepen your connection.
Be respectful: When talking about sex, it's essential to be respectful of your partner's boundaries and needs. Make sure you're not pressuring them to do something they're uncomfortable with and be willing to take things slow and compromise.
Practice active listening: Active listening is key to effective communication. Make sure you're really hearing what your partner is saying. Try repeating back what you've heard, this is a good way to reassure your partner that you are truly listening.